When Your Child’s Anxiety Becomes Your Own: The Hidden Toll on Parents We Don't Talk About
- Tracey Langrill
- Jun 14
- 4 min read
It can be quietly overwhelming to parent a child who struggles with anxiety; not just because of the questions and fears they bring day after day, but because of what can start happening inside you. The tension in your shoulders that never quite goes. The mental load that never seems to lift. The way your thoughts start racing even before theirs do.
It’s not unusual for parents to say, “I’m worried about my child,” and underneath that, there’s something else:“I don’t feel okay either.”
And that matters. A lot.
Anxiety in Young People Is More Common Than You Might Think
If it feels like you’re seeing more anxiety in children and teens lately, you’re right.
Around 1 in 6 children aged 7 to 16 in England are now thought to have a probable mental health condition.
Among 17 to 19-year-olds, that figure rises to nearly 1 in 4.
Anxiety is one of the most common issues reported in these age groups.
In 2023 alone, the NHS received over 200,000 referrals for children and young people struggling specifically with anxiety, double what it was just a few years ago.
And behind every one of those numbers is a young person trying to cope and a parent doing their best to hold everything together.
In my own practice, I’ve worked with many young people aged 11 to 25 and nearly all of them are navigating anxiety in some form. Sometimes it’s loud and obvious; other times it’s buried under perfectionism, withdrawal, overthinking, or emotional shutdown for example. Whatever shape it takes, it’s often a sign of just how hard they’re working to hold it together.
Your Child's Anxiety Has a Way of Spreading
Families are systems; connected, reactive, responsive. When one member of a family is in a heightened state, others tend to feel it too, even if no one says it out loud. A child’s anxiety can ripple outward, and before long, you might find yourself living in a state of near‑constant alert. Walking on eggshells. Avoiding certain places or topics. Bracing yourself for the next panic, refusal, or outburst.
It’s not even always the behaviour that’s hardest, it’s the not knowing. The unpredictability. The sense of helplessness.
And then, perhaps, the guilt.
Guilt that you’re not doing enough.
Guilt that you’re too involved.
Guilt that this is affecting you as much as it is them.
It’s Okay If Your Child's Anxiety Is Taking a Toll on You
There’s a quiet, often unspoken pressure on parents to be endlessly patient, calm, and competent; to absorb the emotion in the room and keep moving forward. But there’s only so much internal buffering a person can do before it starts to fray at the edges.
Parents often arrive in therapy asking what they can do to help their child. That’s a valid question. But another one that often matters just as much is:
What’s it like being the one who’s always holding it all together?
The reality is, if your child is anxious, your world may have quietly shrunk too. You might avoid family outings. You might dread school mornings or bedtimes. You might spend your evenings over‑researching with Dr Google or second‑guessing everything you’ve said.
Your nervous system being stuck on high alert doesn’t mean you’re “too sensitive.” It means you care deeply, and you’ve been under strain.
When Your Past Joins the Present
Sometimes, a child’s anxiety hits a nerve that goes deeper. It might remind you of how you felt as a child; alone with your own fears, maybe unsupported or misunderstood. Or it might stir something new: frustration, confusion, even resentment you didn’t expect to feel.
Those responses aren’t signs that you’re getting it wrong. They’re signs that something old might be showing up alongside something new.
Therapy can be a place to sit with all of that. Without judgement. Without pressure to fix it all. Just space to breathe, notice, and reconnect with yourself in the middle of everything you're managing.
You Deserve Support Too
This isn’t about blaming parents or pathologising family life. It’s about recognising the emotional reality behind the scenes. When a child is struggling with anxiety, the parent’s emotional wellbeing often becomes invisible. But your experience matters. Not just because it affects how you support your child, but because you matter too.
You’re not weak for finding this hard. You’re not selfish for needing space to talk about it.
And you don’t have to wait until things get worse before you get support.
If this resonates, you’re not alone. With one in five young people navigating significant anxiety or mental distress, many parents feel the weight of that alongside them. Sometimes it helps just to have a space to say the things you can’t say anywhere else and to feel a bit less like you’re on your own.
Feel free to get in touch if you'd like to explore that in a calm, non‑judgemental space, with Merlin, my therapy dog by your side.
Things can feel different with a skilled counsellor and a very good dog.
